To Have the Father’s Heart

I had hoped to get this blog published when I wrote it a few weeks ago, but things have been seriously busy and our WiFi access a bit spotty. However, I still wanted to share this part of my journey with you…

We are now stateside. Since arriving back in Thailand on May 13 with a team from NNU, 5 teams have come and gone. We said farewell to a great group from Point Loma Nazarene University on August 20, the day before we flew back to the US for the second half of our home assignment. It’s been an amazing whirlwind of a summer.

Currently we are back at NNU. This time we are just here for personal reasons. Our youngest son, Caleb, is starting school. We are so proud of him! He’s here to follow the call of God on his life by studying Christian Ministries. We know he will do well and thrive here; he’s doing what he’s meant to be doing.

But… we are faced with a new reality—a household without children. We are the kind of parents who pretty much included our kids in everything we did. Don’t get me wrong, we prioritized our marriage, went on dates and even took trips without the kids occasionally. But, so often we would find ourselves on those trips saying, “Oh, the kids would love this! We have to bring them here!” Our three kids were included in our ministry and even in our decision to move to Southeast Asia.

This morning, I’m sitting here at the mission house in Nampa. Thanks to jet lag, I am up at 5 a.m. (after having gone to bed after midnight); my son spent the first of many nights in his new dorm rather than sleeping under the same roof we are. My recurring thought is “Lord, I don’t know how to do this!”

My fantasies wander toward living in the states in a big house where they can all frequently come home to, within an easy drive of all of my children. This really is a fantasy since we have two in Idaho and one in Illinois… no such place can even exist. I know this. I’ve struggled so much with feeling that my heart is not being faithful to God’s directive to go to the ends of the earth.

I cry out to the Lord, telling Him that I don’t know how to do this, that I can’t help wanting to be an ongoing part of my children’s lives, to know them as they grow, to know the people they come to love, to get to participate, even in small ways in their day to day life, to watch their activities—to walk this journey with them.

I’ve told the Lord, time and again how sorry I am because I just don’t know how to let go. I realize the relationship has to change and grow, I know they need to follow what God is calling them to do. I just want to be able to hear about it daily, to see it and enjoy their company. I don’t know how to not do that.

His still small voice answered me... I know exactly how you feel. That’s exactly how I feel about my children—all of them. I want to be a part of their lives every day, to walk with them, to hold them, to hear them, for them to know and hear me. I want to be close. And I don’t know how to let go either. It’s why I pursue them. It’s why I sent you to tell them, to help me bring them home. I know this pain you feel, I feel it too. I’m not a God of division and separation; I’m a God of communion and restoration, of togetherness. My calling will not destroy the family I’ve blessed you with. Trust me.

Isn’t that amazing. God understands. To have His heart is to know His pain. My heart is not betraying me, it’s beating as His does, with unending, unyielding love and desire for relationship with my children. It’s okay to feel this way. But having God’s heart also means doing what He would do with it. I don’t have to let go, I can hold onto those relationships, but I have to seek what is best for those I love.

I also need to trust God with my children and with my relationships. In a way, He is trusting me with His children, with those who know Him and those who have yet to turn and acknowledge Him. I’m part of His pursuit of His children. I’m part of His care of His children.

So while this hurts, and I’m not really sure I can do it, I will walk forward. I will finish out this weekend, hug my baby, hold on a little longer than I should and watch him walk toward his future knowing he is held by God. Then I will walk toward my future, seeking out the children of God who need to know Him, those who need to be brought into the family. I will follow His heart.